Self-sacrifice

20-something-year-old me wanted to work as cabin crew (a flight attendant). I love travel, I enjoy hospitality work, I prefer change over routine. The job would provide all of those things. However, I let that dream fall by the wayside as I pursued other dreams and ideas. 

Fast forward a decade, and I decided to reinvigorate that vision. 

I just spent weeks in full time (unpaid!) cabin crew training, learning challenging drills and procedures, sitting exams almost every day, completing practical assessments on land and in water, adhering to strict grooming guidelines for hair and makeup.

I was diligent and I achieved 100% on my exams.

I invested a lot of time, energy and money.

And at the end of it all... I turned down the job offer. 

After all of that work, I walked away with nothing.

Why? Because what was right for 26 year old me doesn’t suit 36 year old me. 

With the benefit of life experience that comes with age, I could see what I would have been committing to: Working 50+ hour weeks. Earning below minimum wage as an hourly rate. Shift work that would negatively impact my health.

I queried the contract details with this company. I asked questions about legislation, exemptions, industry standards. I did my due diligence and realised the environment was exploitative.

But the younger candidates in my training group? They signed the contract without hesitation. They had invested so much in the training; they didn’t even consider turning down a job. 

And so, I then decided, I had to sign the contract too. 

I had to commence employment there… for these younger staff. I had to be there with them, to stick up for and protect them, to fight for their rights. 

∆ ∆ ∆

This is a big pattern in my life: sacrificing myself in order to help others.

Perhaps you do the same? 

If you grew up with toxic or abusive parents or caregivers, this is a common behaviour. We learn to try and meet the needs of an unsafe adult in our lives, in an attempt to stay safe. Our focus is on other people, rather than ourselves. We learn to take care of others irrespective of the cost to us.

But today, I walked into the manager’s office and declined the job. 

I broke that pattern of self-sacrifice. 

I chose me.

I allowed those younger staff the opportunity to learn their own lessons, rather than attempting to ‘save’ them.

I recognised that I have changed, and a former dream is no longer aligned with what’s best for me.

∆ ∆ ∆

So I encourage you to reflect, too:

• Do you feel as though putting your own needs before others is selfish?

• Do you think of others more than yourself?

• Is it easier for you to do something for someone else, rather than watch them struggle with it?

If so, you’re definitely not alone. Breaking these patterns of behaviour can take time, but I believe in you. I’m here beside you on this journey through life, healing and growing too.

Much love,
Melinda xx

P.S. If you’d like support on your journey healing from self-sacrifice and the many other impacts unhealthy parenting has on us as adults, check out my popular course, ‘Release & Rise: Transform Your Trauma’

Your New Year's Resolutions

A collection of reflections on New Year’s Resolutions, shared on my Instagram and Facebook pages

COVID-19 is a medicine

Coronavirus - David S. Goodsell

(This is Part 3 of a free series to support you during this period)

Not so long ago, my ‘normal’ was working up to 4 jobs at a time. I’d push my body to it’s limits, working up to 16 hour days, 7 days a week. Cramming in partying on top of work meant I’d skip sleep completely 1-2 nights a week, going directly from the bar or club to one of my jobs the next morning. I’d scoff down meals on the go, or not eat at all. I’d quickly change uniforms on public transport while rushing from one job to the next. I ran on caffeine, sugar and adrenaline.

I lived that way for many years. It was familiar and normal to me.  

It took me a long time to unlearn my patterns of over-working, over-committing, and constantly doing. I was terrified that doing less meant I was ‘lazy’. Subconsciously, I was also afraid of what emotions and old trauma might ‘come up’ if I slowed down and had time to myself. 

So, like so many of us, I stayed busy. 

I kept my focus on the world outside of me. 

I distracted myself by filling my calendar with commitments, working through a never-ending ‘to do’ list, using social media, watching TV, drinking and taking drugs.

Working, hustling, doing, pushing, forcing… these are masculine aspects within each of us. 

Resting, nurturing, allowing, flowing, slowing down… these are feminine aspects within each of us.

As a society, we have been living in our masculine energy for so long that we consider it ‘normal’.

The truth is, myself and many others have known for a long time that that ‘normal’ is far removed from what is actually ‘normal’ on this Earth. We are human beings, not human doings. Our patriarchal society exists within the energy of the masculine, and a recalibration back to balance with the feminine is required. As a society we have gotten very, very lost.

So I see this period as an incredible collective opportunity for us to become more conscious. 

We are being called to ‘wake up’.

∆ ∆ ∆ 

In my experience, the Universe (or God, Goddess, Gaia, our Spirit Guides - whatever you name the greater powers in this world) sends us prompts that we need to change something. At first, the prompts are subtle. If we continue as we were, the message gets bigger and louder. For example, maybe you’ve been overworking. The Universe creates an opportunity for a holiday for you. You don’t take time off… you keep working. The next prompt is a mild illness - you get a cold. You ignore that and continue working. You get sick again not long afterwards, and this time it’s more serious. You take just one day off but spend that time checking emails and answering phone calls anyway. So the next prompt is a significant injury, that forces you to spend several weeks in bed resting, so that you finally take time out.

We have collectively ignored the Universe’s whispers to slow down. The messages got louder and louder. Yet we still ignored them. 

So the Universe had to yell. The message needed to be amplified and harder to ignore.

The origin of the word ‘catastrophe’ is a sudden turn; a turning point. The present catastrophe is an impetus for collective change. COVID-19 is a virus but also a medicine.

There has been an interruption to our ‘normal’. A forced paring back of all the ‘stuff’ we had going on, so that we can see with more clarity what our real values are.

We have a chance to reflect, reconsider and reset. To break long-term patterns of ‘busy-ness’ and rushing. To consciously choose differently where needed.

Your pre-lockdown life doesn’t need to have been as hectic as my over-working example above to still have been too busy. 

You have been given time and space for reflection. 

So I ask you to consider: how much of your life was your idea? 

How much of it did you consciously choose out of self-love, rather than obligation or fear or habit?

Were you trying to fit someone else’s version of something, influenced by parents or peers or the media, rather than by what you truly want in your own heart?

Have you been shunning and minimising parts of yourself, neglecting the things you actually want to be doing? 

What would your life look like if you consciously created every part of it? 

You have a chance to intentionally rebuild your reality now, only adding back in things that you genuinely love. Let go of the rest. You can contribute to global transformation in this way.

You have the power.

Heal from being abandoned or neglected by your dad or mum

A powerful exercise to heal from the damaging effects of a having a parent who was physically absent or who didn't meet your emotional needs... Did you feel neglected or abandoned by your dad, mum or caregiver? Was your parent absent due to death, divorce, incarceration or addiction?

A powerful exercise to heal from the damaging effects of a having a parent who was physically absent or who didn't meet your emotional needs...

P.S. Want high level support and a proven process for overcoming the impact your childhood is still having on your adult life? My course, ‘Release and Rise’ is for you.